My Journey in Silk Pajamas

 Some might call this journey, "Much about nothing", others might just describe it as "Over kill" but either way, I am feeling relieved, and a bit like you might feel after an awkward, hyped-up, debutant ball.  In the end, your dress is awkward and needs adjusting every few minutes, your hair doesn't look like you imagined, your date is a lousy dancer, and your feet hurt like heck. The really fun part is telling the awful story once it is all over.  So went my Journey in Silk Pajamas. Lots of fan-fare and not much substance. Not that I am disappointed to be a normal healthy person. That is great, but did I really need an exploratory surgery and a 12 inch scar to establish that?  Did I need to go through days of intestinal blockage, followed by days on a soft diet, followed by the colonoscopy prep in order to determine that there is nothing there.  I feel a bit beaten up, but glad I didn't die in the process of determining that I was okay.  The para gang-gli...

 If you remember, back to the beginning of this Blog, it began because I sent out 15-20 texts saying "My endometrial biopsies are negative!" And by the time most of you had received my text, I had received a call from the surgeon to tell me that my other masses needed to be removed and biopsied and that there were still lots of question marks. I was too disappointed to send out another group of texts, so I started my blog, which has allowed me to tell my story once.  So, today, I met with the oncologist and more questions have been answered. Of all of the "stuff" that was removed from my belly. The right and left ovaries, uterus, lymph nodes, gooey fat thing that I forget it's proper name, suspicious mass on my jejunum... all of these are fully negative for cancer. Whoopee!  The remaining question was regarding the mesenteric para-ganglion mass that was fully removed and had clean edges, but it is a rare type of cancer that grows along areas with nerves and my f...

 It is day 73 since the "incident. That is a lot of time to reflect, imagine, think and evolve. The days are long and mostly quiet. The flurry of pro-biotics, IM injections, coffee and planning, happens in the morning, then I choose a project and try to apply myself to completing it. Most of these are "fold laundry" or "make bed". Then I walk, do yoga and rest. That is my day.  During the past 73 days, I have had lots of time to ponder my childhood, think about how I am responding to my current dilemma, and how much of my response stems from my "self" and how much stems from my "conditioning" as a child.  This is of interest to me because Gene and I have now spent years in therapy and the path always leads back to childhood.  I rarely have allowed myself months of time to explore my unconscious messages and family "norms".  But, being in "forced seclusion" seems like an opportunity to do some "work".  So here is...

 I have nearly arrived at three weeks post surgery. (1 week post discharge) I cannot drive for another 5 weeks! Yikes. No doubt I will cheat or go mad. At least to the grocery store, a pleasure that I never appreciated when I was dragging bags of food home weekly, but it seems like a delightful outing now that I mostly sit in the front window watching the world walk their dogs.  We have settled into a tolerable routine. 6-8 small meals a day keep me heading to the fridge, meds in the morning. Gene has become an expert at the sub-Q shot in my abdomen, another 9 days to go. Morning yoga, afternoon rest and evening walks.  We are both feeling pretty house bound. Can't wait to get down and dirty in the garden.   My visitors are surprised that I am walking. Walking has not stopped since 4-hours post op. The nurses, doctors, family, instructions, are all focused on mobility. Early and often.  No more lazing around, as was promoted in the 50's. I would say, it is ...

 For many reasons, we have eaten in for weeks and weeks. But yesterday, we joined the family and ventured out. The Thai food was so wonderful. Every flavor and texture seemed so much more interesting than I remembered and, in the end, I ate too much.  Not full in a good way, full in a bloated, "oh no" way.  I am back to measured  steps, toast for breakfast, and white bread 1/2 sandwich for lunch, my meals look like they are prepared for a toddler.  I am just not yet ready for the relaxed enjoyment of dinner out. Another chance to be reminded of the many things we do without care or concern.  The spring-like days are great for walking and sitting outside.  Recovery is slowly taking hold. 

As many of you know, I began practicing yoga in 1972. It has always been in the background of my life. For the past 10 years, yoga has moved back into the center of my focus, but evaporated on January 9th when the mysterious and intense pain arrived.  This morning, as I took stock of my abdominal recovery, I tried to re-find the yoga breath.  In-two-three, hold-two-three, out-to-three, hold-two-three. Such a simple pattern, easy really. Keeping the flow steady, calm, smooth and uninterrupted for 30 seconds reveals so much. I can tell that it is time to begin recapturing the practice. The flow of energy and breath through my abdomen is available. The energy is back and I am eager to welcome it. Pain is such a powerful blocking force, I am happy to say, I have no pain, only a gently flow of energy this morning.  I will set up my yoga studio today, and begin some restoration yoga. I think I am ready.