Biopsy results

By late morning, I can see in my on-line chart, that the results are there, but still no call. 

By 1:00 in the afternoon, the lab results become visible to me, I read them, they seem normal. 

Minutes later my doctor texts me, "Biopsy is negative, I'm so glad!"

Beginning at that moment, I started sending texts to all of you. Shouting from the proverbial rooftops, the biopsy is negative!!!

I got many, many kind responses, encouragement, and a big group sigh of relief.

20 minutes later, I got a call.  It was my Gyn at Kaiser, she said, "Your biopsy is great, now we need to take another look at the masses seen on the original CT scan. I am scheduling you for a STAT CT scan, now. Can you do that?" 

I said, "Sure, that sounds prudent." I thanked her for remembering that 7 days ago, the very first test results I got were very scary, they identified about 4 masses. One on my lung, my liver, my ovary, and my uterus. I had forgotten.  The report, at that time, said "metastasis cannot be ruled out". 

Of course, we have to take another look and make sure that those places are okay. 

Gene and I drive to a Kaiser hospital, where I had never visited as a patient.  When I was consulting, this was one of "my hospitals". How strange it is to be a patient, rather than a professional. 

It is after 5pm, parking is easy, the waiting room is quiet.  I get the arm badge and the IV (not a student this time). I plug into my inspirational book, settle in, with my mask in place and we wait. It has become a bit of a ritual, I carry my notebook for information that won't stick to my neurons, I carry a pencil, extra masks, pain killers, just in case. A wrap  to keep me warm and I wear comfortable clothes. Wish it was my silks....

The caregivers are kind, supportive and they don't mind repeating the instructions. My IV leaks, the nurse takes it in stride and makes it work for the 10 minute IV contrast. The instructions are clear, and though I had just had a CT days before, I didn't remember having one at all. Everything seemed new. 

It was done in a flash, we got home, had dinner and I wrote a note to the kids, "had more tests, should have results tomorrow. Don't hold your breath." 

By 6:30 pm. The results popped up and the phone rings. The report shows the same masses as the previous CT, not encouraging. 

We were back where we started, only now, we have time to manage the surgical arena in a way that is to my advantage. The surgery will include taking all of the affected abdominal organs and lymph nodes,  and taking a good look at the lungs and liver with possible biopsies. 

My stomach turned. I felt sad. Our moment of celebration had been too short. Sometimes you just want the "medical system" to grind along slowly so you can catch up. But tonight, the "system" is up and running and STAT results, are actually STAT.  

I was too tired to put words into texts. Texting is great for the quick, "I'm on my way", but not so great for the "Bad news" message. I told the kids I needed them on a call at 7 pm, and with the sweet sounds of the grand children in the background, I tell them, "it isn't good news". The CT shows lots of question marks. I will have a major surgery soon, I am not out of the woods, I have just walked a little further down the dark path. 

Melissa, Graham and Natalie are the best. Each voice is so reassuring, each one with their own style of lending strength and calmness.  I felt sad and loved and heard and seen. They are all scientists and believe in the strides made by the medical field in curing cancer, they all have confidence in my strength and lifestyle to bring me through. I hope they are right. 

They also took time to remind me: 

    I don't have an absolute diagnosis yet. 

    I have a great team of people who are competent and capable of taking care of me.

    I have support from them, our friends, Gene and, I will not do this alone.  

    My biopsy was still negative, no one can take that away.  And that is worth celebrating.

    I am no longer in pain because my body un-torsioned my ovary (don't think that is a word) and is giving me time to prepare for battle. 

    And they love me. That is best of all. 

I am posting this on the 19th of January 2023. I had hoped to speak to the GYN/ONC surgical team by now and have a plan, but the universe is giving me space to reflect and set my course on recovery. 

This cancer has chosen the wrong person, I'm not ready to surrender, just yet.