Reflecting at the Casita

 Going to yoga has created a normalcy that I haven't had for weeks. Coloring with Liza and Sam, laughing with Max, playing cards with Gene. There are whole hours in my day that I am not haunted by the masses growing inside me. 

Sometimes, I begin to have conversations with myself about how my medical records must be mixed up, I must be been confused or dreaming or drunk. But I will be reminded of the reality of my upcoming surgery and the real decisions the doctors will have to make today during my pre-op call.  

I will have to finally complete the "Advanced Directive" and turn it over to them in case the surgery goes terribly wrong. Scary, but not terrifying. 

I am strangely calm about it all. Not because I think it will all be fine, but it is more like, I'm going to do what I'm told, whatever is going to happen, will happen. And in the end, I have absolutely no control over what is happening, right now, inside of me. In fact, none of us has much control over what is happening inside of us. 

I've been reading Jedediah Jenkins book "To Shake the Sleeping Self: A Journey from Oregon to Patagonia" it is a good read. I love his style and I connect with his journey, both externally and internally. He spends time deconstructing and reconstructing his life path. I'm doing that too. It is hard, confusing, full of unanswered questions and every once in awhile, a new piece of the "puzzle" gets uncovered and suddenly a part of the narrative becomes clearer. 

It is strange to think back to parts of my story. I recall a piece of memory and then fill in the picture, like I am coloring in a coloring book. Sometimes I can remember every detail of a memorable moment and other times, entire years leave no trace. When I was 8, who was my teacher? What was it like? Without photos or things to spark the unfolding, the memories seem to be lost. 

When I look back at my own children's lives, they are very clear and I see them repeating, right in front of me. Kylie is the image of Natalie. Her stature, her eagerness to learn and help, try anything and when she is with her Rancho Volleyball team, I can't help but slip up and call her Natalie. It is strange and wonderful.

Max is the dark eyed, laughing carbon copy of Melissa. Life is fun, climbing, learning and being with mama, is joy. The "3rd child freedom" is so much fun to watch. Max came up to the casita front door today, the door is mostly a window. He pressed his entire body, face, cheek, mouth, and fingers against the pane while looking at me on the other side. I have no idea what he was imagining. It was as if he thought he could magically press through the glass, if he just got enough of himself flattened against it. He made me laugh. 

And then there is Graham's, Lizzie, she works hard at everything. Setting up her "cafe" and selling "milkshake tacos". We don't know if that is a taco shell, filled with milk shake, or a regular taco, blended into a shake. Whatever it is, she knows, and serves them up frequently. She is focused and curious, just like her daddy. I can take her for a walk and spend an hour walking 2 blocks. She will fill her pockets with leaves, bugs, rocks and whatever interests her. If she drops one flower petal, we will back track to retrieve it. Graham was known for his "front yard walks". He found the distance from our front door, to the sidewalk, so interesting, there was no need to go any farther. 

It is great fun to get little and big knocks at the casita door. Melissa's house is about 40 steps away, it is easy to forget my troubles, when I am here.